Carrie Maldonado – Writer

Freelance writer, wordsmith, and novelist

I’ve been around for forty-five New Years (although to be fair, I can’t really recall the first four or five) and I’m pretty sure the end of 2016 was much like the year itself; a somewhat bizarre collection of events carried to the extreme, resulting in people getting overly emotional, upset and just plain weird. And I’m not just talking about my kids, either! Between people seeming to have a personal issue with the year itself ‘killing’ their favorite celebrities, the election, and the extreme weather, the end of the year just seemed slightly hysterical. But nothing says New Year like the flood of resolutions and the accompanying backlash of people who don’t do resolutions. It’s like a passive aggressive social media war that has become even more entertaining because of memes.

I’ll just say this flat out. I LOVE resolutions! I never used to. When I used to smoke, for example, every year I’d quit on New Year’s and every year I’d only last until about noon, by which point someone who was suffering abuse at my hands would beg me to start and/or buy cigarettes and throw them at me. Anyway, my point is that any time I had resolutions to NOT do something, I failed. Especially when the things I wanted NOT to do were usually rewarding on some level. Like hello…chocolate!

So ever since I became enlightened and perfect, I have figured out the way to create resolutions in order to drive positive change in my life. Oh yeah, and I call them goals.  I have found it’s incredibly powerful to imagine what you really want to be true in your life. Not just the material stuff, but how you want to live and how you want to feel. Then you just reverse engineer it until you have a killer to do list that even if it doesn’t get you exactly where you want to be, it will get you a lot closer than you are today.

Of course, my enlightened perfection is not a permanent state, so I also have some resolutions I was not intending to make, but kind of did, and have already failed at, and it’s only the 3rd. Some of the failed resolutions are:

  • I will not spend any more money buying episodes of stupid shows on Amazon just because I’m too cheap to get cable and too lame to stay up late (i.e. 8:00 pm) to watch them even if I did. Yes, Supergirl, Flash, and Arrow, I’m talking about YOU!
  • I will not yell at my kids anymore (I am yelling substantially less, but I am reserving yelling to stop them in their tracks when they are doing stuff that could maim or kill one or all of them. So I’m still yelling a lot).
  • I will not read stupid lists on FB, such as the most incredible coincidences, stupidest things you believed as a kid, or stuff like that. I waste way too much time on that and I. Just. Can’t. Stop. Is it still a failure if I call it research?
  • I will stop judging people for walking too slowly in front of me, or for being rude to the cashier, or for going out to dinner with people and then staring at their phone the whole time. Why do I care? Whyyyyyyyyy?

I just found out Bisky has a resolution too. She told me last night that she’s very sorry, but she’s never having a baby. When I asked her why, she told me that she didn’t want someone to cut her tummy open to get the baby out. So apparently, I didn’t need to get quite so graphic with ‘the story of YOU’, but she DID ask. I reassured her that it doesn’t hurt. I tried to make it better by telling her that being her Mommy was the best thing that ever happened to me, and even though the doctors thought I might die in the process it was worth it. That didn’t actually help either. So then I told her I didn’t want to be a Mommy for most of my life either, but it was much better than I thought it would be. I’m not sure what she made of that. Like most of our really profound conversations, she fell asleep while I was talking and I didn’t notice. I’ll have to record these sessions, I guess.

Even #NoBen or #StopThatAiden apparently made resolutions. It would appear that #NoBen’s was to declare complete fealty to his master, Queen Bisky. #StopThatAiden has resolved to eat more pancakes and drive #NoBen and Bisky completely crazy with unrelenting teasing.

Have you made or broken any resolutions yet for 2017?  Do tell!

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