Carrie Maldonado – Writer

Freelance writer, wordsmith, and novelist

I find myself in a bit of a conundrum upon this writing, because the three things I most want to talk about a) don’t really go together and b) don’t support my mission of not putting things about my children on the interworld that I or they may regret. So I’ll start with the outlier…I GOT A BOOK CONTRACT FOR GRIEF INC. AKA HOPE, UNLIMITED, AKA GRIEF GROUP, AKA GRIEF, HOPE, AND CHOCOLATE!!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!! I’m so excited! The release date is June 2017 and at some point in the next six months I need to plan a release party (which I don’t exactly know what that is, but I have time to figure it out and invite everyone reading this, your moms, my mom, my mom’s knitting group, and anyone else who’s still my friend by then).

The other thing I really want to write about and can’t is the ridiculous behavior problems I am experiencing at the hands of my teenage daughter. Okay, she’s not a teenager yet, but I think she’s probably about as bad as I was at fifteen and that’s pretty bad. Yesterday alone she told me I was the worst Mommy ever AND that she was going to go live somewhere else. I’d like to elaborate, but I’m not sure I can make it funny, and I’m not sure it’s fair to her right now. Because the reality is that to be completely objective, my daughter is the most amazing, wonderful kid in the whole world, and as her greatest fan I’m already worried that she’s defining herself as ‘bad’ because of ALL the necessary correction.  Documenting the transgressions and preserving them for eternity where they could be taken out of context may be more punishment than fits the crime. EVEN THOUGH I’ve got some doozies…some of the stuff she comes up with is so devious, I’m almost kind of proud because of the level of genius it takes to concoct (albeit evil genius) and requires an indomitable will that I actually would admire if it weren’t directed against me.

So that leaves Frick and Frack who, by dint of their youth and innocence haven’t done anything yet that will haunt them for eternity, but definitely makes for good stories.  If you happen to be the parent of twins, you inevitably hear the following comments when people find out:

  • Oh, how awesome! I’ve ALWAYS wanted twins!
  • Wow – don’t YOU have your hands full!
  • Are they identical? (they’re not even close)
  • Do twins run in the family?

And a bunch of other stuff. I don’t mind, because I’m an introvert and anything that takes attention off me is a good thing and often I’ll bring them up entirely randomly just to make conversation in awkward situations (which for me, is every situation). I don’t take offense to any of it, but the comment that always makes me laugh is when people who don’t have twins tell me about how much fun it must be and how they’ve always wanted twins.

I will say first off that after two and a half years I can finally say that yes, having twins IS awesome and it IS so much fun and I can’t imagine not having both my boys now.  So if you’re expecting twins as you’re reading this, either stop now, or just remember that it all ends up okay. But here are some of the things the twins (sometimes in cahoots with their older sister) did YESTERDAY:

  • Removed the head from both a wise man, and the driver of the Christmas village sleigh and placed them in a so far undetected location.
  • Moved the entire Christmas village from one table to another and shoved half the village in the ‘couch hole’.
  • Tried to ingest the snow from the village repeatedly, resulting in a snow-less village for safety reasons.
  • Locked themselves in the bathroom while Mommy was on the phone.
  • While locked in the bathroom, turned off the lights, then remembered they are afraid to be in a dark bathroom and proceeded to cry hysterically (but not open the door).
  • Upon being rescued from the dark, scary bathroom, grabbed the packing tape dispenser and ‘dispensed’ a whole role of packing tape around the living room. At least it picked up the stray village snow.
  • Removed all the zip lock baggies from the extra-large container in order to go ‘skiing’ in the kitchen (to be fair, Bisky totally instigated this).
  • Hid the entire pig family they received for early Christmas, along with ancillary Suzie Sheep and Rebecca Rabbit in the Christmas tree, in addition to three toy soldiers and a green building block.

I’m not exaggerating, and this was all within a couple hours, so when you tell me how ‘fun’ it must be to have twins, forgive me for not enthusiastically joining in.

On the other hand, I am finally noticing the Bisky starting to accept the boys, which is the best Christmas gift I could have received. From the moment I found out I was having twins, I’ve had this huge burden of guilt that she’d be left out leading, no doubt, to some of the above-mentioned issues. But this week she’s included them more than ever – even inviting them to a costumed tea party in her room.

I have to be careful she doesn’t exploit them, though. For instance, for the costumed tea party, Bisky requested I go get her a dress, as the first one wasn’t to her liking. When I refused, on the grounds that I’m not actually her servant, despite her wishes to the contrary, she accepted with aplomb and immediately dispatched #NoBen and #StopThatAiden ‘on a quest’ to retrieve  the dress in question. They were delighted to do her bidding and returned carrying the dress between them like two loyal courtiers. But they had fun at the party – at least according to #StopThatAiden whom I overheard telling Bisky “Dis is da best party EVAH”.

So all in all, a typical family Christmas with 2 ½ and 4 ½ year-olds, with a more than double dose of mischief, broken stuff, sometimes tears, and most of all laughter. From my family to yours I wish you the merriest of Merry Christmases and the best 2017 EVAH!!

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