Carrie Maldonado – Writer

Freelance writer, wordsmith, and novelist

As I’ve mentioned previously, I have a rigid DGS protocol as it relates to medical conditions for me and my loved ones. It stands for Don’t Google Sh…err…Stuff. I adopted this after I unsuccessfully diagnosed myself with brain cancer, lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, Krohn’s disease and a host of other issues back in the summer of ’05.  As it turns out, I had a sinus infection but it’s amazing how many symptoms there are for every little thing. I admittedly have probably taken it too far the other way in that I now distrust the medical profession to an extent that many loved ones feel verges on conspiracy theorist.

All that to say, I have zero use for Google and the opinions of pretty much everyone else when it comes to medical conditions, but I unfortunately was a little more open to ‘expert advice’ (expert being defined as anyone in the world with access to the internet and the ability to formulate coherent sentences) when it came to parenting. Maybe because I had so little experience with babies, or maybe because there really IS a conspiracy to make mommies feel completely inept and therefore more likely to subscribe to, buy, invest in, whatever you’re selling. But I finally decided it’s pretty much indecipherable and futile to try to comply with. I apologize if I hit on an issue close to your heart – it’s not my intent to offend, just to point out how incomprehensible and terrifying all the conflicting info is…especially because SOMEONE’s got to be right but darned if I can figure out who!!! If you don’t believe me, look up each and every one of these things and you will see that there are GREATLY polarized camps who practically issue death threats towards people who don’t believe as they do.

So here you go: The non-exhaustive list of totally contradictory and terrifying parental advice that starts before they are even born:

  • C-Section: Brutal and traumatic and can make your baby fail to bond.
  • VBAC: Probably okay but possibly can cause complications including everyone’s death.
  • Vaccinate your kids: Because if you don’t, they will get terrible diseases and possibly die.
  • Don’t vaccinate your kids: Because the vaccinations will give them terrible diseases and they will possibly die.
  • Don’t let them sleep on their stomachs: Because they will smother (and die)
  • Don’t let them sleep on their back: They will choke on their vomit (and die)
  • Don’t let them cry themselves to sleep: They will become feral and never grow normal human attachments
  • Don’t NOT let them cry themselves to sleep: They will become neurotic and unable to do well in college
  • Don’t put them in daycare: They will become unattached sociopaths
  • Don’t NOT put them in daycare: They will become un-socialized misfits
  • Don’t use disposable diapers: They will ruin the environment
  • Don’t use cloth diapers: You will kill yourself (I actually don’t know the argument but I’m sure there is one)
  • Don’t have an only child: Also unsocialized misfit – especially if they don’t go to daycare
  • Don’t give your child siblings: They will always resent sharing your love
  • Public School: Bullies, poor teacher-child ration, not setting them up for success
  • Private School: Lack of ability to afford food in addition to private school will mean they starve to death
  • Home School: Lack of parental ability not to traumatize children means failure to thrive
  • Cookie-dough: INSTANT DEATH
  • Screen Time: Big no no
  • No Screen Time: Mommy loses her s*$& due to all the screaming and fighting and begging for screen time.

So after exhaustive research I have come to the conclusion that each person must a) Do the best they can and b) STFU about other people’s choices and


MOST IMPORTANTLY c) make the flour manufacturers clean up their act so me and mine won’t die from eating cookie dough. That is all.

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