A long time ago, a lifetime ago, I had a J.O.B. I suppose one might even call it a career. I was in charge of HR and Organizational Development for a really great company in Southern California. I lived under a perpetual cloud of discontent at that time, unfortunately, because I REALLY wanted to be a coach and a writer, but other than that things were pretty good. My life consisted of my job/career, writing novels, angsting about my job/career and wondering if I’d ever find ‘Mr. Right’ and feeling bad that I was too old to have kids. At that time, I thought I was busy. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Eventually I read this awesome book that helped me realize I wasn’t going to ‘find’ Mr. Right and that continuing to look was leaving me coated with the stench of desperation and that I should just work on being the kind of person I’d want to date. About ten minutes after I ‘got it’, (right behind my belly button as my good friend Meridith says), Dreamy found me and we started hanging out and eventually dating. I had to add him into my very busy life and then I thought I was really busy. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
And then enter Freeway, the injured little rescue dog with a face that only I, apparently, could love. I would say nice things about him, but he really had no redeeming qualities. He was some kind of miniature pinscher that had been abused and abandoned to the point of death. I decided to take him in just until he was better, which took months and an embarrassing amount of money and then we bonded. So on top of my job, the new dreamy guy and the angsting, I now had a dog that needed to go out twice a day and be walked. And I felt so busy. HAHAHAHAHAHA
The Dreamy asked me to marry him, and I was going to become a coach and writer, but we thought it made more sense to open a gym first, so we made all these plans and then I found out that the doctors were wrong and I COULD get pregnant and I WASN’T too old and even though it was a scary pregnancy because the doctors said all sorts of terrible things would happen (many of which resulted in either Grace’s or my death) nobody died and we decided we would proceed with all the plans, only Grace could be part of it too. I still found time to angst, but not quite as much after baby G arrived. Now, this was a big change and I felt REALLY busy. HAHAHAHAHA
So then Dreamy, Grace and I moved to Washington, and started our gym and I kept working, even though Seattle traffic was no Bueno. It was incredible and exciting to be starting on our dream. We decided since we were old we should have one more baby so Grace could have a little SISTER. Instead, she got twin brothers! I was told by a key executive in my company that ‘of course’ I would be marginalized due to my motherhood status, and would no longer be considered a viable leader within the company (and that I really should stay home with my kids anyway). Because this was 2014 and not 1979, I didn’t believe that, but it turned out to be true; ‘family friendly’ didn’t mean MY family, and maybe one woman on the management team was one woman too many, and so I got the opportunity to take the high road and start my own coaching and consulting venture AND have baby twins AND a two and a half year old AND a growing gym. And even though I got to take ansgting off my plate, still…I feel SO BUSY!
During my brief three and a half years as a mommy, I have felt guilty that I wanted to work, guilty that I didn’t and guilty for thinking newborns were (are???) mind-numbingly boring. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t think they’re busy. Busy is a constant state of being for pretty much everyone in the world. I have found that it’s only only ONLY possible to retain my sanity and actually ENJOY the spinning-plated-hamster-wheel is to force myself to stay in the present at all times. If I’m playing with Baby A I need to enjoy his little drooly smile and not worry about email. If I’m working on a project for a client, I have to appreciate that and enjoy the chance to use my grown-up brain and not feel bad that I’m missing the latest episode of Special Agent Oso (Oh so special…). When I’m helping in preschool that’s what I need to do. It’s in the moment where all the joy, and love and complete peace lie. If I step outside the moment (or the serenity bubble, as I call it), and look at the spinning plates and the uncertainty and sheer insanity that is our lives right now then it seems hard and unfun. But right in the center of the spinning plate it feels like normal…like it’s just where I’m supposed to be.