As I write this, I am in fear of what next week will look like. It doesn’t really matter why. The point is I am spending a lot of mental time and energy imaging an unsatisfactory life change that I think will be unpleasant for me and my family, and that is also, in my mind, unavoidable. Like my characters, I can make Mount Kilimanjaro out of a pile of sand and if I’m not careful, I can feel myself edging into full on panic. This is one of those times when having a good imagination is not serving me well. Pretty soon I am staying up at night working out my part in conversations that haven’t happened yet (and may not ever happen) and making contingency plans for my contingency plans. Yes, I do know that this is crossing into insanity. I also know that I’m not alone in wanting to know exactly what is going to happen tomorrow or next week, as though somehow I can make everything be okay IF I JUST KNOW. I guess that’s why I like writing so much – I DO get to know when I’m the one in charge and in life I just have to go on faith that it will work out all right in the end. The nice thing is I get to choose what I believe today and I get to override fear with the faith button. It’s a lot messier and scarier than writing fiction, that’s for sure. The reality is that nobody is guaranteed tomorrow anyway, and definitely not a stress free tomorrow. On the other hand, I saw a sign the other day that said “I’m planning on living forever…so far, so good.” Works for me!
Post Script: So I wrote this three weeks ago but didn’t post it until now, because I wanted to see what would happen. As it turns out, the change was not as bad as I’d feared in some ways and much, much worse in others. And I still don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow!